The Second Floor Bathrooms Allocated as Smoking Only
With recent admin changes, the school has decided to allocate safe spaces for students to vape, notably the second-floor bathrooms are now the smoke lounge, the only bathrooms you can smoke in without repercussions. We are still waiting for the new decorations to arrive, including a geek bar charging station and an extra big stall for you and your friends to smoke in together, but we are looking forward to the new changes.
The recent football season may lead to Austin moving down to 5A
A look back at the recent football season has led Austin ISD to consider moving Austin High down to the 5A classification out of pity. Any official change would have to go through the superintendent, who has stated, “Austin would still suck in 5A football.”
Austin High to be bought out by Lockheed Martin
With the recent shutdown of many local elementary schools, AISD has decided they don’t have enough money and need to sell Austin High School to the global security company Lockheed Martin. While surprising, Lockheed Martin has promised to keep Austin High open, just with some curriculum changes. They will be adding electives such as Human Rights and How to Disregard Them, thermo-nuclear missile construction, and tactical drone operation. While these classes aren’t optimal for some students, most Austin High students are surprisingly open to this change.
Administration parks in the wrong lot and gets the boot
A recent surprise led one administrator, who asked to remain anonymous, to get booted after parking in the wrong lot. Mr. Pool claims that he has the right to park anywhere because of his admin status, but apparently, the boot says otherwise. This embarrassing situation only got worse as the key was nowhere to be found, forcing the admin to abandon his car in the lot overnight. The admin now vows to pursue revenge through more boots and a new Austin High tow truck.
Attendance incentives extend to parking passes
With the new parking system being implemented this year, it is being reported that parking passes will be tied to the attendance incentives for the foreseeable future. It is stated that if you skip enough classes you will lose access to your parking pass. The admin staff had this to say about the parking “it really is simple, if you skip class in the parking lot you lose access to it” it seems the administration is hoping to boost attendance with this program, but the students are already showing their dissatisfaction with the rule. One student representative stating “they have already ruined the parking and incentives this year it’s just crazy they made it worse somehow”
Austin High football hires a Ted Lasso Actor Jason Seduiks, to the coaching staff next season
New rumors from the football player allege that the school has hired Seduikis famous for playing ‘Ted Lasso’ in the show of the same name. The character is said to be very motivational and I personally think he would be a very good addition to the coaching staff if he’s anything like Lasso is in the show. It is still unknown if he would be a teacher or just a consultant, but either way the news is surprising considering he is still acting in Hollywood today. We managed to get an exclusive interview with Seduikis who only had this to say “I only want to motivate the team, this is what they are paying me to do” . We pushed him about his salary and actually lashed out at our reporter leaving him with a black eye and three broken ribs. While unexpected we hope this energy is brought to the team next year.
Austin High to deploy ‘parking gestapo’ to enforce stricter parking regulations
With the new semester starting the admin staff decided that it is time to deploy their ‘parking gestapo’; a crew of masked agents who help enforce the parking rules. It is ruled that any car without a pass will be repossessed to a ‘vehicle detention center’. The Administration has refused to budge on these new rules stating “ all you need is the correct parking pass and proper documentation and you won’t be repossessed” but there is still hope for change with student protests making bigger waves every day. Getting the attention of not just AISD staff, but state wide press coverage.
Iranian hackers disrupt AISD WIFI
We’ve all noticed it for the past few weeks: your assignments take forever to submit, and ChatGPT won’t give you answers as quickly. The Wi-Fi has gone down the drain, and after ChatGPT crashed while writing last issue’s Moron stories, we sent our beloved Moron reporter out to investigate.
I went to the AISD corporate office downtown to get answers, but they just asked why I wasn’t in my second period, so after many, many emails, I got in contact with an anonymous AISD higher-up. Now, we can’t say most of what was said in that meeting, but all I can say is I booked a one-way flight to the Middle East.
Once I arrived, I took a taxi straight to an Iranian military base in Eshrat Abad, Tehran. Surprisingly, they were very kind when I knocked on the door; they gave me a grand tour of the base before letting me have an interview with the general in charge of the base. Here’s the transcript of what we can publish of the interview:
Moron: Do you have anything to do with the reason the Wi-Fi is so bad at Austin High?
General: Yeah, probably.
Moron: Why do this to Austin High? Why not the White House or something?
General: Well, we just kind of hack whatever we can to mess with Austin High, like ruin the Wi-Fi; we sent over a spy to boot people’s cars in the parking lot, and gave a ton of funds to the Westlake team so they could beat you in football. We target Austin High because it’s easy; the White House parking lot is a lot more secure, so we can’t really do anything.
Moron: Do you think you could go fix all my tardies?
General: I mean, I don’t see why not.
The Iranian government wouldn’t let us publish any more of the interview, but you get the gist. Now, I can’t make a statement on the current Wi-Fi as I’m still in Iran, but I can say the Wi-Fi here is pretty quick.
The Moron goes international
We recently received an email from the other side of the world, The Moron somehow was found in the western region of China, because of how many Chinese citizens loved it, and the Chinese president Xi Jinping saw it and loved it so much he asked to meet the very handsome and talented person who made it. Now I don’t necessarily support the morals and ideals of the Chinese government, but I’ve seen Rush Hour 2 enough times to know that China is ballin, and ya boy wants to get in on some of that action. So It is with my biggest regrets to say that I will be missing graduation to go to China and write propaganda for the Chinese Communist Party.
Beloved Austin High ‘Moron’ canceled after cease and desist
The Moron, a beloved satire piece, featured in the Austin High Maroon, is set to be canceled next issue after Austin High football sent a case and desist to the writer Zachary McEathron. While sad, The Moron is a legacy held strong this past year the writer McEathron had this to say “while saddening I can’t speak my truth because of the NDA I will not let this stop me.” It is unknown if there will ever be a return of The Moron so we have already sent a request to have the flag at half mast for the next month. The writer McEathron said this as a message to the reader ”I hope for this to be a tale about free speech and censorship in a world where everything is regulated rather than a tragic loss of beloved comedy.”
