I Don’t Want to Go to College

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As the end grows nearer and nearer, the Senioritis is kicking in. And let me tell you, it isn’t like a slow growing virus that starts with symptoms and continues to worsen, but more like a fast spreading disease with all the possible symptoms at once. To be honest, I’m pretty sure we’ve all had some form of Senioritis since, like, 8th grade. However, now it is hitting us in full throttle. I think I speak for most of the seniors when I say that even showing up for class everyday can be quite an arduous task. On top of that, we’re all still trying our best to be mentally present in class and our extracurricular activities.

Personally, I feel I have developed something further, a psychological trait referred to as “learned helplessness.” Not only does that refer to a pathetic inability to want to do things, but also such a series of repeated failures (or imaginary failures) that we find ourselves thinking it might be easier to just give up rather than try again. This is true in more than one area of my life, but especially in core classes including AP Biology and AP English. As a strong student my first two years of high school, I grew accustomed to making high grades and always put in the maximum amount of effort into assignments, even if I did procrastinate. Recently, however, and especially in the former listed classes, I have found that no matter how hard I try, study, or prepare, it always surmounts in failure. I have not passed a single Biology test all year and my English timed writing scores have neither improved nor declined. Therefore, I have grown to believe that no matter how hard I try, no success will not be demonstrated. Learned helplessness.

This same concept has expanded into my thoughts about college in general. Everything is practically set up for me: I got into the journalism school at UT and was granted a place in the dorm I wanted. However, I still find myself somehow stuck. I never planned on staying in Texas, much less Austin. It’s the only place I’ve ever grown up in and staying here just feels sedentary. Although I know some people would kill to be in my spot and UT is their dream school and I should be grateful, it all concludes in this overwhelming feeling of failure. I’m “supposed” to be out of the state or out of the country, traveling learning and flourishing… but unfortunately I’ll be at the University of Texas, a mere 20 minutes from home with the same hot summers, barely considerable winters, crowded streets, and trailer park eats. The big picture doesn’t seem too bad, but when it comes down to it, all I want to do is leave, and I am stuck. This secluded feeling has left me with a disinterest in even going to college. I am left hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Deep down I know that new experiences such as living in a dorm and possibly joining a sorority as well as fun activities like intramural sports and college football games will help cultivate my college “best years of my life.” However, even the thought of more school makes me a bit nauseous. The stress and vigor of college courses along with the independence required of me all seems impossible. Learned helplessness- a trait developed gradually through high school that will continue to haunt me into my career and marriage. Pessimism is a great gift to possess.